


and nothing hurts anymore (I feel kinda free)

by Portia77



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (TV)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky centric, Family, Family Bonding, Fluff, Gen, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), The Falcon and the Winter Soldier era, Unspecified Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-29 02:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30149637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Portia77/pseuds/Portia77
Summary: Bucky visits his family's grave in Brooklyn. His day takes an unexpected but welcome turn from there.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 153





	and nothing hurts anymore (I feel kinda free)

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this in, like, one sitting. Quick, painless, fluff. No romance, I just want Bucky to have lots of people in his life who love him.
> 
> Title taken from this cover of Kanye's song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXPfSkgQSg0

The cemetery was unusually quiet for a Saturday morning. There were a few couples on the far west end and a young family near the gates, but otherwise Bucky was pretty much alone. 

In his travels around the city, he had walked past here a dozen times or so in the past six months, but this was the first he’d set foot inside. The first time he’d trod the cobblestone pathway to a cluster of graves near the back, by a giant oak tree. 

As was right, GEORGE WILBUR BARNES was buried next to WINNIFRED ELIZABETH BARNES, their stones old and worn but rather well-kept, all things considered. Surrounding them were their children and who Bucky assumed were the spouses of their children. His eyes sought out the four that were recognizable, the ones that mattered most.

REBECCA WINNIFRED SMITH

LILY AMANDA GREYSON

HILDA MARGARET BARNES

JOANNA RACHEL BARNES

And there, against all odds, marking what he knew was an empty grave - JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES. 

Bucky swallowed back the wave of emotion that flooded him and grimaced a little, bowing his head against the onslaught of grief. He thought of little Jojo, with her pigtails and gap-tooth smile. And Hildie, who liked to climb anything she could find, who found trouble almost as much as Steve did. Lily and her bright blue eyes that could get him to do just about anything she asked. 

And Becca. The eldest. Partners in crime, their ma had called them, before Bucky had grown up and life had simply fallen apart. 

“Hey guys.” Bucky dug his gloved hands into the pocket of his jacket. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by sooner. It’s… Well. I’m sorry, is all.” 

He sighed. His therapist had been suggesting visiting their graves for months now, ever since he’d let it slip that he’d tracked down their burial sites when he came to Brooklyn but hadn’t actually gone to see them yet. “It could be good closure,” she offered, when Bucky showed reluctance. 

Maybe it would be good for him in the long run, but Bucky was struggling to see that now, drowning in his sorrow as he was. 

“I miss you,” he said softly, gravitating to Becca. It was little wonder why. Of all his sisters, he remembered her the most. Little Becca, always tagging along and clutching at his hand, begging to be part of whatever adventure he and Stevie were off to. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Bucky whispered. He gave his head a shake. “I mean, here in general. This century. I’m… I have Sam I guess, that’s good. And I’ve met…” Well. He didn’t need to list all the friends he’d made. He certainly didn’t want to put labels on anything, not until he was more sure. “I’ve met people, and they’re good, but it’s… It’s not the same.” Bucky pushed a hand back through his hair, scratching at the roots irritably. “Technology is great, obviously. Hildie would love YouTube. Or…maybe she saw it? I… I dunno how old it is,” he trailed off, uncertain. 

“Wonder if this is how Steve felt.” He squinted up at the sky, at the warm sun shining down on him. “Surrounded by people but alone. Alone, really. I’m…” The words caught in his throat. 

I’m alone. 

That’s what his therapist said, wasn’t it? You have no one, James. He didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. Sam was a good guy - better than he’d given credit for, sure - but he wasn’t family. Not like the ones he’d lost. He certainly wasn’t Steve. 

Then again, Bucky couldn’t replace Steve for Sam just as Sam couldn’t be that for him.

“Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I’m here and this is life now.” Bucky watched a couple at the far end of the cemetery walk in the direction of the exit gate, hand in hand. They seemed to lean on each other, drawing comfort in one another’s presence, and his heart gave a wretched twist of envy. 

“Who knows?” he said. “Maybe there’s something there with--”

Bucky stopped speaking abruptly, head snapping up and swivelling at the sound of approaching footsteps. Coming up the walkway, a bundle of wildflowers in hand, was a young woman, tall and blond. She had her hair braided back out of her face, her dark green peacoat buttoned up to the chin. It took him a second to realize she was walking straight for him, a curious look on her face. 

“I’m sorry,” she said by way of greeting as she trudged up the hill in her ankle boots. “I didn’t -- there’s never anyone here when I come. I can come back later…”  
Bucky frowned, confused. “What?” 

He was standing directly before the grave she gestured to, a respectful distance from him. “I don’t mean to interrupt. I’ll come back later…” 

With a start, Bucky glanced down at the tombstone she was pointing at and froze. 

REBECCA WINNIFRED SMITH. 

“You’re here for Becca?” he asked, unable to help himself. 

She nodded cautiously. “Yeah. She was my grandma.” 

It was like all the oxygen had been knocked from his lungs. 

Bucky stared at her closer this time, tracking every line and curve in her face. She was maybe thirty, soft-cheeked with dimples and dark brows. For half a second, he was disappointed to realize there wasn’t much of his sister he could see in her, and the excited rush he’d felt swooped right out of him. 

And then she stepped forward, eyes bright in the morning sunlight, and his heart just about exploded in joy at the particular shade of dark steely blue, crisp and clear, staring back at him.

Those were Becca’s eyes. 

“You don’t have to go,” he insisted, trying not to stare too much at her like a creep. He took half a step back unthinkingly. “I, um… I’ll go, I just… I don’t know why I came to be honest.” 

“You don’t have to.” Feeling confident that she wasn’t in the way, the woman came over to his side, just out of arm’s reach. “I’m sure she likes having visitors. They all do, probably.” 

Bucky avoided looking at her. “Were you close? With the family?” 

She gave a little hum of consideration. “Aunt Hilda passed when I was little, but I knew Auntie Jojo pretty well. I only saw Aunt Lily at family gatherings really. But…” She trailed away. Bucky risked a glance at her and saw tears shining in her eyes. “I really loved my grandma. She was the best…” 

The lady fell silent, lips pursed tight together as she laid the flowers on Becca’s grave. Bucky wasn’t sure what to say until he turned back to the stone, back to Becca’s name and saw the date of her death.

April 19th. 

The anniversary of her passing was today. 

_Oh._

__Bucky could’ve kicked himself. He shouldn’t be here. He really shouldn’t be here, not with Becca’s grandkid trying to pay her respects and grieve. He didn’t have any right to interfere and make problems for them._ _

__“‘M sorry,” he found himself saying, staggering back. “I just - I knew her and thought… I thought I’d stop by. Sorry. I didn’t know it was today--”_ _

__“Hey.” Her voice was so gentle, careful and concerned. “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”_ _

__Well, that was so utterly untrue, Bucky didn’t know where to begin._ _

__He just smiled sourly, heart twisting sharp in his chest. It was like he couldn’t breathe right. “It’s okay. I’m gonna head out. You - you take care, okay?” He turned around, head ducked low. “Take care,” he repeated, not bothering to look back._ _

__He made it one step, two, three, and then--_ _

__“I know who you are.”_ _

__Every inch of him felt like it had been doused in ice water._ _

__Bucky turned slowly on his heel, face cool and blank. When he looked at her, she was staring back at him, still concerned and blushing now, bashful and shy. She tried to smile for him, exasperated. “Did you really think I wouldn’t know?”_ _

__“I’m sorry,” he said, very quietly. His lips hardly moved. “I won’t come back.”_ _

__“Wait a second.” She put her hands on her hips and oh, that hurt too. That hurt, seeing her face drawn into a stubborn frown like his ma used to do, and why did she look so worried for him? Not worried for her own life and safety. Not offended by his very presence. She was acting like she was sad for him._ _

__“What are you apologizing for?”_ _

__“I shouldn’t have come.” His jaw clenched at the thought of how awful it was of him to come here, of all places, where his family was resting. To burden them with his troubles. His suffering, which he deserved. He did. He deserved the misery he felt. Nothing his therapist said would change that. “I don’t have any right to be here.”_ _

__Her nose wrinkled. “From what I understand, you have more rights to be here than I do. That’s you, right?” She tipped her chin at the tomb that should’ve marked his burial._ _

__He nodded stiffly._ _

__“Right. So what are you sorry for? I’m not mad. And I don’t think they’d be mad.” She walked over to him, hands back in her coat pockets. “You’re not doing anything wrong by being here.”_ _

__Bucky didn’t know what to say to that, not because he didn’t have a proper response, but because he figured the truth would upset her. He was doing something wrong by being there. Selfish to the core, he’d brought all the blood on his hands to his only family and asked for their time, spoken to them like he was still worthy of their love._ _

__He got caught up in his sorrows, unfocused and distracted until she spoke again, stronger than before._ _

__“She used to talk about you.”_ _

__His head snapped up, heart pounding._ _

__“Becca?”_ _

__She nodded slowly, mindful of his reaction. “Think you were something of an idol to her. She told stories about you all the time.” A smile tipped the corners of her mouth into something warm and fond and too precious to be directed at the likes of him. “I know about the time you and her accidentally ruined your mom’s chiffon cake, so you tried to inflate it with--”_ _

__“--We tried to re-inflate it with an air pump.” A tender ache unfurled in his chest, soothing the tight clench of his heart. “I remember.”_ _

__“She never forgot you,” she said, and it was so very kind. More kindness than Bucky could have ever dreamt of being shown. “Even when she was put on bedrest, she liked to tell stories about you. I… I remember more,” her voice wavered shyly. “If you wanna hear them…”_ _

__“That sounds nice.” Bucky had answered her without thinking it through. “That… That sounds really nice, but I don’t know if your family would want me around...”_ _

__“Why not?” She raised her chin stubbornly - ah, _there _was the Barnes genes. “You keep acting like we don’t all know. My family knows who you are. We saw the news, when they leaked all that info about Shield or Hydra, whichever.”___ _

____Bucky didn’t really know what to say to that. They’d known he existed and… Didn’t reach out? It was illogical to be upset, but here he was, feeling disappointed._ _ _ _

____“We didn’t know how to get in touch with you.” It was like she could read his mind. She inched closer to him. “We all wanted to meet you,” she added. “Just didn’t know how.”_ _ _ _

____That was a pretty good reason not to reach out. “I was kinda...unavailable for a bit,” he confessed, and she smiled._ _ _ _

____“I think that’s fair. But you’re here now, right?”_ _ _ _

____Bucky bobbed his head once in assertion._ _ _ _

____“And you’re not in a rush or anything? No dastardly villains you need to stop?”_ _ _ _

____He huffed a laugh. “Not this second.”_ _ _ _

____“Well.” She was back to feeling bashful. “If you wanted, you could come visit? Meet the rest of us?”_ _ _ _

____“The...rest of you?”_ _ _ _

____She brightened. “Oh yeah. There’s way more Barnes kids. Grandma had two boys - my dad and my uncle - and they both had kids. Me and my sister, and my cousins, two boys and two girls. And then there’s Aunt Lily’s hoard of kids and grandkids.”_ _ _ _

____“What about Hildie and Joanna?”_ _ _ _

____She shook her head. “No, neither of them had kids. But Jenny, my cousin, she has a baby of her own, and so do a few of Lily’s grandkids.”_ _ _ _

____Bucky’s mouth hung open stupidly. “I thought I was alone,” he admitted, and immediately wished he could take it back, feeling exposed._ _ _ _

____Though his words clearly saddened her a little, she offered as cheerful a smile as she could muster. “Now you’re not.”_ _ _ _

____“I guess so.” Their eyes met, and both grinned foolishly at the other, awkward and unsure but excited to be there._ _ _ _

____He hadn’t expected to be so happy when he’d come to visit his family’s burial site today._ _ _ _

____“How’d you know?” he asked abruptly. When she tilted her head, he went on further, “How’d you know who I am?”_ _ _ _

____“Oh.” She laughed a little. “You’re a dead ringer for my dad. When he was younger,” she added quickly, like she was worried he’d be offended._ _ _ _

____But he wasn’t offended. The only time people recognized him, it was for… Well, it wasn’t for anything pleasant, that was for sure. Nine times out of ten, people who recognized him knew him during his time with Hydra._ _ _ _

____Being recognized because he looked familiar, because he looked like family?_ _ _ _

____That felt good._ _ _ _

____“Do you have a cell?” she asked unexpectedly, interrupting his train of thought._ _ _ _

____Bucky blinked at her. Nodded once. “Yeah. Uh.” He fished it out of his pocket and held it out to her. “Wanna...add your number?”_ _ _ _

____“Sure.” He watched in silence as she flipped open his phone and tapped the numbers in faster than he could imagine anyone texting. He still hated cell phones and their tiny buttons, but he knew better than to complain about it. Last time he’d done so, the clerk at the shop said he sounded like an old man and, well. It was tiring hearing that, even if it was true._ _ _ _

____She handed back the phone. “Ok, done.”_ _ _ _

____And it occurred to him, then, that he didn’t have the first clue what her name was. Then he realized that he hadn’t introduced himself either._ _ _ _

____“I know it’s a little late, uh, but I’m… I’m-”_ _ _ _

_____The Winter Soldier. ____ _ _ _

_______Hydra. ____ _ _ _ _ _

_________A murderer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________James. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’re Bucky.” She smiled confidently, chuckling a little at his surprise. “I know. It’s nice to meet you, Uncle Bucky.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Bucky coughed a little at the title, trying not to outright wince. “Just Bucky’s fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yeah?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yeah. It’s… It’s nice to meet you, too…” And he trailed off, lingering, waiting for her to offer her name._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Stephanie.” She held out her hand for him to shake. It took him a solid ten seconds to grasp it, too stunned to move._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Stephanie,” he echoed. It felt like his whole world had been tipped on its axis since he came here, turned upside down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Mhmm. My friends call me Steph.” Her eyes twinkled, and he suspected she knew, somehow, what he was going to ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Is that what I should call you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She shook her head. “You’re family,” she murmured, and the word - that one word alone - swelled up in his chest, filling him with a sort of hope he hadn’t known in years. It grew from his chest, from his heart, and stretched all the way into the tips of his fingers and toes. “You can call me what family calls me, if you want.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yeah?” He wasn’t shaking her hand anymore, just holding it loosely in his. “What’s that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Stevie.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
